My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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