Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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