if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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