I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
