i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
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Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
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Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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