i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
