i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
