She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
