Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
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I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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