I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
