someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
