Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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