It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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