I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
