Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
