Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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