i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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