So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
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Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
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Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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