mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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