well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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