im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize