the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
