I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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