I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
