Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
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