so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
