i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
