i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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