where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
