my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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