Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
