just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Randomize
