it's too hot outside to masturbate.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
