Swine flu. Run for my life!
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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