i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
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I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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