I can tuck mytits in my pants
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
