never play flip cup with pint glasses
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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