i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
