literally had 100 drinks last night.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
