Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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