Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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