Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
