You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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