No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Never joke about your clitoris.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
