Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize