Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
