That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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