The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
