Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
