Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
