we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
