I molested 6 butterflies tonight
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
