i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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