im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
