Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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