Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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