your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
