I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
